Falling Star 🌠

I have always been fascinated about the stars even when I was young. I always look up to the vast cosmos as something mysterious and magical. As I grow older it still gives me a sense of mystery and longing but less magical. When I was young I believe in God & magic and I see the whole world as a wonderland, that even seeing a firefly can gives me so much joy knowing a fairy is riding it or a tiny mushroom housing little dwarfs inside, there's almost no reason not to be happy when I was a child. 

As I grow older I became less childish and dreaming of being in Disneyland is no longer on my bucketlist coz I rather spend the entrance fee visiting museums where serious artworks are worthy to be seen. Now that I'm an atheist I don't believe in magic anymore and once you go atheist you never go back being a believer. I see almost everything in a very practical and scientific way now.

But still everytime I see the twinkling stars I always feel like being a child again. When starring at the vast cosmos at night till the wee hour of morning is one of my favorite pastimes, looking for comets, asteroids and UFOs or aliens. 

A part of me still wants to believe that when a love one dies they became a star twinkling from above and guiding us and I'm imagining my nanny who passed away recently is one of the twinkling stars now shining down on us in the vast cosmos. To my family my nanny is part of the family as we don't even call her nanny, we call her auntie and she's been serving my family for 50 years & she never married or had kids of her own for she treats us as family too or one of her kids. She's always been one of the very few most important people of my life for she is irreplaceable for I don't really feel much love from any of my relatives & didn't even have real friends & solitude is my only true friend but what most people fail to give to me, my nanny never fails to give. As the days gone by it just started to sink on me how wonderful or great she has been. I don't have a perfect childhood, not always a happy one, I grow up not really recieving birthday greetings, gifts or christmas presents from most people like my relatives and even my parents seldomly give me gifts. But my nanny even when she's away working as a nanny of my younger cousins she never forgets to give me presents and cash regardless of the occassions, even though her salary is small and she still have to give most of it to her relatives back in the province. To me that is real love, her presents may not be expensive but it has the most special meaning to me, they are priceless. 

Her death is such a BIG loss to my family. She is everything to me, in fact I may love her even more than my own father who passed away last 2013. For me I don't believe in the cliche that 'blood is thicker than water'. Yes blood is indeed thicker than water but it is not thicker than oil or gasoline if you know what I mean. 😂

Sometimes I wonder why do I always find the stars from the sky as something magical coz I've already figured them out long time ago that it isn't anything special or magical at least to science. When you get closer to it you wouldn't really want to live there, most of them are made of boring stuff and stuff which cannot support life. 

I guess deep inside all of us there is this power of the human heart to find meaning, meaning in everything. The poet and the romantic in most of us comes out everytime we see a thing of beauty and even if we already figured out how they're made we still attach magical meaning into them and up to now everytime I see a shooting star I still make a wish even if deep down inside I know my wish would never come true. 🌠